Shambles

Love can be cruel.

Emotions can be confusing.

Confusion makes situations difficult.

“I love you.” “Take care.” “I miss you.” We often hear these sentences uttered by the ones we love and care about. But what do these statements really mean to us? Do we just say or respond to these things because we really feel this way? Or do we just reply to them because we are obliged to?

Love, one word yet so powerful. When we think about this, we often see it on the bright side with all the giggles and butterflies-in-the-stomach moments. But there are two sides to every coin, what if we see it in another perspective? What if we try to understand the things that could make things complicated but cannot be avoided? No couple can have a perfect relationship.

Love can be cruel. We cannot choose who we love. And sometimes cupid can be a jerk, forgetting to hit the other person with his arrow. Now, the person hit with the cursed arrow will have to deal with all the heartaches and pain it may bring him. Unrequited love, it is.

Some are afraid to ruin the friendship, it’s too precious for them to risk taking it to the next level. What if it was worth the risk? What if the feeling was mutual? You can’t remain as BFFs if what you really like deep inside is to be more than that. It will only make the situation unbearable. You have to get out of your comfort zones and try to explore the peaks of making things serious or official.

Others are left hanging. People can also be cruel. Some think of it as a game. They play with your feelings and leave you if they’ve had enough of you. As if you were a broken toy. Or others may lead you on, with all the care and sweetness they direct to you which made you assume there will be something more between the two of you. But in the end, they just leave you hanging, alone, picking up the pieces of your broken heart.

Some enter this ‘relationship’ called M.U.(Mutual Understanding). This is one of the most confusing relationship you’ll ever be in. The phase between friendship and being a couple. Others may think of this as a getting-to-know-you stage. But others interpret this as being ‘taken’. You are single but not available. You are not really dating anyone but you aren’t also allowed to date anybody else. The worst part of being in this kind of relationship is not knowing what you both are, where you stand in each others lives.

And thus emotions enter the equation. You have this special someone but you’re not ‘officially’ together. And then at some point, you get busy with each of lives and have less time together. You loose communication for days and sometimes for weeks at a time. And when you finally regain the communication, all your conversations aren’t that comfortable anymore. You feel awkward and confused. Then you think, or in most cases, over think about it. And all those questions and doubts begin to form. What am I really feeling? What if it’s just me? I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do? Should we even continue this relationship?

Confusion. You don’t know what to believe in anymore. You’re confused by your own feelings. You ask for advice. You only get more confused. You think a lot. You’re tired of doing that all the time. The other person doesn’t even know what’s going on in your head right now. You feel guilty without any reason. You don’t know what to do.

After all the thinking and confusion, the decision will always be up to you. You choose for yourself. You choose what’s better for the both of you. It is better to confront it now than to drag it until you’ll both get hurt a lot. You face the consequences later. You just have to be honest to yourself and to your special someone to alleviate the situation.

As I’ve said, love can be cruel, greedy and even selfish. But at the end of the day, you just have to deal and live with it.

Woes

The fear of not knowing what might happen next. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of hurting someone you love. All of these jumbled into one creates one hollow pit in my stomach.

Everything was going good. Great. Fine. Well. Until changes began and my insecurities kicked in.

I know change is inevitable. But what shocked me the most is the effect it has on people. If we try to go against it, we get hurt. If we try to go along with it, in one way or another, we still get hurt. So what do we do? Nothing. We let these changes define us. Mold us into new beings.

But I don’t want to change. I don’t want him to change. I don’t want us to change.

Anyway, I think it’s too late for that.

It started slowly. Too subtle for me to notice. But the signs were already there, I was just too much of a coward to acknowledge it.

We haven’t seen each other in months. We’ve sent each other messages that lasted only for a few minutes or hours. We haven’t really been talking. I know we’ve tried. A lot. But something comes up at the last minute, and plans get cancelled. Always. And all I get is the reason and your apology. The same reasons you’ve been telling me the last few weeks.

I’m tired of listening to those. But I always tell you it’s okay. I don’t want to start a problem or a fight. But even with that feeling of not wanting a fight, I don’t think it’s working. Something’s not right. Something’s missing.

Or maybe this is just me missing you. I don’t know.

You tell me things that makes me feel special. You make me feel like I’m special. But it’s only until those words. Where are the actions? Where are your actions?

Am I wrong to want your attention? You’ve been giving it to me willingly a few months ago. Maybe I got too caught up with it. It made me think I would always get that from you. I guess I was wrong. Things change and so do people.

How can we go on when I don’t even know what I feel anymore? What are we? We’ve tried fixing this. We talked about this. You said you’d try. I tried to understand. But I’m still confused.

And the worst part of all is we’re in this relationship we can’t even call a relationship. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know who I am in your life.