Numbers

One. One game that started it all.

Two. Two pictures that made you notice me.

Three. Three persons involved.

Four. Four times we went out alone.

Five. Five instances of me convincing myself that it was fine as long as I’m happy.

Six. Six friends it took to bluntly tell me the truth of the situation.

Seven. Seven messages from her.

Eight. Eight weeks worth of memories and experiences.

Nine. Nine times I convinced myself to do what’s best for all of us

Ten. Ten in the evening when I told you I’m staying away.

To my It’s Complicated

I write to you the things I wish I could tell you personally but I can’t.

The last 2 months have been great, full of memories and experiences I would treasure forever so thank you. Thank you for the times you made me feel special, for the times you made me feel that you cared. Thank you for bringing out feelings that I’ve never felt before. Thank you for never getting bored of my endless chikas through texts. I was never a good conversationalist so what I lack in talking I make up through texting. Thank you for staying up with me when I had a hard time sleeping (I really have a weird body clock). And thank you for liking me for who I am.

From the beginning, I knew it was never going to work out. It started with the little things: the way you say my name differently, the slight touches here and there. I didn’t mind these little things. But it became more frequent, you were trying to get to know me more. It was as if you were interested in me. But then again, I didn’t mind that. Why would anyone really get interested in me? I was simple and boring, not even attractive.

Things progressed though, we were texting almost everyday. You got to know me more and I think I’ve shared almost everything about me. But that’s it though, we weren’t interacting much, barely had time to really talk to each other due to our situation. I was your secret as you were mine.

It seems like I was narrating everything that happened so I’m just gonna take a shortcut. I got too invested in you. I let myself believe that there was a chance for an “us”. I clung on to the thought that someday I will be your priority not only an option. But it took one post to slap me in the face, making me realize that enough was enough. I was already hurting and if I held on far longer I might be further burned by the situation.

So I’m sorry if I had to end this. I’m sorry if this will make things harder for you. Please understand that I’m having a hard time too. But know that I don’t regret the decisions I made and that I don’t hate you. I have to stay away for my sake and yours, to save myself for further pain and for you to finally make up your mind. If you ever do, I’ll respect whatever it is.

I like you, Beb. And I care for you, I don’t think that will change soon.

Complicated

I was fine just crushing on someone else.

But in you go and I was hooked. From the beginning, it was confusing. Slowly, you inched your way into my life, making yourself an almost-permanent fixture. You made me feel emotions I haven’t felt in a while.

It started with a game.

That line sounded so cliche but it’s the truth, you got interested in a certain game that was installed in my phone. You were so caught up in the game that you’d always borrow my phone for it. But you needed an opponent (me, of course!), and that’s where all of this began.

It was gradual. The game became available in Messenger so you began messaging me. Challenging me to play with you. But along the way, conversation can’t be avoided which became late-night ones. The topics were so random and out of the blue. I didn’t read much into it though.

But our mini summer came, and you continued the late-night conversations with me. Everyday. Slowly, gradually as I talked about myself, I think I fell. Not in love, of course. But I think I was caught in a trap through your sweet talks and compliments. With all the attention that you gave me, it felt new and nice.

You already know all my secrets but I know none of yours.

And that’s scaring me. Maybe I was too honest, too vulnerable, to tell you everything about me. I’m scared that I might fall but you wouldn’t be there to catch me. I’m scared that I’ll hurt somebody or be hurt.

Because all you wanted was a fling. I just recently figured out it’s meaning, no feelings. Fleeting, just for fun. And what’s worse is that no one can ever know about us. I was your dirty little secret as you were mine.

And that’s all I’ll ever be, because you’re already someone else’s.

Melancholy

Nothing seems to go right these days.

Sadness, depression, loneliness.

I saw myself as an optimistic person. I cheered up people who were having a bad day. I saw the happier and better part of life. I smiled and laughed a lot.

Just until recently. Everything went south.

I messed things up. Bad grades, failing to even follow the simplest instructions. I have disappointed myself and the people around me.

Before I thought seeing the light side of life would make things easier, bearable. But, it is the opposite, I forced myself into living the happier version of life, ignoring the sad ones even though it needed my attention.

I was afraid to open up these bottled up emotions inside me and now I am at my breaking point. All these negative thoughts are consuming me.

I feel like I am near drowning in the middle of an ocean full of pessimistic thoughts trying to reach the shore just to save myself. I want to avoid these thoughts because it only pushes me further into the brink of darkness.

I don’t want to feel anymore, it’s just too much. I only end up getting hurt. I hate this feeling, the heaviness of everything around me.

I’ve been thinking of just giving up, letting go, being free. But I don’t know how.

I am sad, lonely and depressed. It may not be obvious but I am. Please don’t believe the facade I’ve been keeping up. My smiles are not as real as before anymore. I may not let you see it, but I know that somewhere, deep down, I am broken.

I need someone or something. Please help me find it.

Help me find myself.

Infatuation

He said he would change.

She gave him a chance.

But did she make the right decision?

He told her not to expect immediate change. She understood, as long he knew what she really wanted. She waited for it to happen. But time flew, and he was still the same.

Was she just insecure? Or over thinking things?

She hoped he would be there more often. Why was she feeling that way? Why was she feeling scared?

He was there. He was obedient. He was a good boy. He followed whatever his parents told him to do. They were strict. He was caged.

She was free as a bird. She flew wherever her wings would lead her to. But she stuck to the rules. She never crossed the line. She knew her limitations.

She didn’t know what she wanted, but she didn’t want to let go. She loves him. He loves her. But why does she feel like something is missing?

Tête-à-tête

Chat. Talk. Speak. Conversation.

One word with a lot of translations and interpretations.

But for me, we need this to communicate, to clear things out, to explain what happened or to merely talk about oneself to another person.

We talk everyday. We speak to one another and make conversations. But, what makes tête-à-tête different? It is a heart-to-heart talk. You don’t just speak random and easy-going words. But you spill you heart out in this conversation. You let the other person know how you feel.

Many people often have a hard time doing this because they don’t want others to see through them. They don’t want to let the others know who they really are. They are closed off to the people around them. Commonly these kind of people are the cold, business-like ones we meet everyday.

When and how do we initiate this kind of conversation?

When some things are not clear, when a problem comes up and people are involved. You just have to be brave and let the words spill out. Be honest to let them know your side. Sometime it isn’t easy, you don’t want the other party to be hurt. You sometimes sugarcoat the facts, but it will only make things harder later.

A lot can happen within this conversation. Problems are solved. Break ups become make ups. Sadness becomes happiness. But it all doesn’t end this way. Some ends badly, or worse. Relationships ended. Goodbyes said.

But at least after this conversation the weight you are carrying in chest will be lifted. It will give you the feeling of maybe, just maybe, something’s better waiting for you. It will give you hope. And the courage will remind you that you can face any challenges thrown in your way.

Shambles

Love can be cruel.

Emotions can be confusing.

Confusion makes situations difficult.

“I love you.” “Take care.” “I miss you.” We often hear these sentences uttered by the ones we love and care about. But what do these statements really mean to us? Do we just say or respond to these things because we really feel this way? Or do we just reply to them because we are obliged to?

Love, one word yet so powerful. When we think about this, we often see it on the bright side with all the giggles and butterflies-in-the-stomach moments. But there are two sides to every coin, what if we see it in another perspective? What if we try to understand the things that could make things complicated but cannot be avoided? No couple can have a perfect relationship.

Love can be cruel. We cannot choose who we love. And sometimes cupid can be a jerk, forgetting to hit the other person with his arrow. Now, the person hit with the cursed arrow will have to deal with all the heartaches and pain it may bring him. Unrequited love, it is.

Some are afraid to ruin the friendship, it’s too precious for them to risk taking it to the next level. What if it was worth the risk? What if the feeling was mutual? You can’t remain as BFFs if what you really like deep inside is to be more than that. It will only make the situation unbearable. You have to get out of your comfort zones and try to explore the peaks of making things serious or official.

Others are left hanging. People can also be cruel. Some think of it as a game. They play with your feelings and leave you if they’ve had enough of you. As if you were a broken toy. Or others may lead you on, with all the care and sweetness they direct to you which made you assume there will be something more between the two of you. But in the end, they just leave you hanging, alone, picking up the pieces of your broken heart.

Some enter this ‘relationship’ called M.U.(Mutual Understanding). This is one of the most confusing relationship you’ll ever be in. The phase between friendship and being a couple. Others may think of this as a getting-to-know-you stage. But others interpret this as being ‘taken’. You are single but not available. You are not really dating anyone but you aren’t also allowed to date anybody else. The worst part of being in this kind of relationship is not knowing what you both are, where you stand in each others lives.

And thus emotions enter the equation. You have this special someone but you’re not ‘officially’ together. And then at some point, you get busy with each of lives and have less time together. You loose communication for days and sometimes for weeks at a time. And when you finally regain the communication, all your conversations aren’t that comfortable anymore. You feel awkward and confused. Then you think, or in most cases, over think about it. And all those questions and doubts begin to form. What am I really feeling? What if it’s just me? I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do? Should we even continue this relationship?

Confusion. You don’t know what to believe in anymore. You’re confused by your own feelings. You ask for advice. You only get more confused. You think a lot. You’re tired of doing that all the time. The other person doesn’t even know what’s going on in your head right now. You feel guilty without any reason. You don’t know what to do.

After all the thinking and confusion, the decision will always be up to you. You choose for yourself. You choose what’s better for the both of you. It is better to confront it now than to drag it until you’ll both get hurt a lot. You face the consequences later. You just have to be honest to yourself and to your special someone to alleviate the situation.

As I’ve said, love can be cruel, greedy and even selfish. But at the end of the day, you just have to deal and live with it.