Lost

“I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war, people let you down all the time. Sometimes, it’s very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to.” -Angelina Jolie-Pitt

Everyday, for almost every minute of my life, I am fighting a battle. A battle that no other person will ever notice. For it is within myself.

I think too much. I worry a lot. I am a masochist. I am a hypocrite. I tell the people around me to cheer up and that everything will be better. But I don’t even believe that for myself. I push myself further down a hole of despair and sadness. I think of the negative possibilities of a certain event.

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel like I am failing everything, from school to my family to my friends, even my health. I don’t want to disappoint anybody and myself but I just keep on doing that again and again.

I am satisfied with being an average. But then, I would feel bad because I am surrounded by people who aim and achieve higher. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a repeater. I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t know why I end up getting lower grades. I think I gave it my best but still, It is never enough. I know it won’t do me any good comparing myself to other people. But how can you avoid that if they are almost going through the same things as you are? How are they always doing better than you are? There is only one freaking thing that makes me different from all of them. An illness, a malady. And this one freaking thing can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

But I won’t let that define me. I know that I can be better. But where do I begin? How do I make myself better? I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends. Yes, they tried their best to help me in every way they can. And I love them for that. But I don’t think they understand me though. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what i need.

I am lost.

Doubts

Easy come, easy go.

In one way or another, life can be cruel that way. One second he was there and in another he was gone.

I don’t like it when things change. I am one of those girls who dream about true love and happily ever afters. Those Disney movies really made a great impact on my childhood. I even believed that being a princess was a job.

It all came to a stop when I was old enough to understand the works of the world. But it didn’t change my dream about finding true love. Yes, that will remain a dream until I find the one.

But every now and then, a person specifically a boy, may come along. He will sweep you off your feet. Shower you with compliments. And ultimately, will make you fall in love. But the question is for how long?

It all began that one sunny day, he was straight-forward and truthful. I wasn’t sure of anything yet. He said he’d wait. He didn’t wait long. And so we began this so-called relationship. Everything was such a blur, a lot of things happened. He wooed me along the first few months. But suddenly it became confusing. He was there but he was not.

That should have been the warning sign. But I brought it up and he said he’d try to change. I waited for that change. We became official and I continued hoping for that change. It never happened.

People around me have been telling me that I don’t deserve this. But his every excuse was acceptable. It was not like he didn’t want to see or text me. Something always comes up. They told me he needed to give more effort to make this relationship work. I hope realizes this soon because I don’t know when I’m gonna break. I don’t want to continue on thinking negatively about this but I’ve got to let it loose somehow. I need to talk to him. But I don’t know where to start.

But I love him. And we promised to be understand and patient with each other. I’ve doing my best by doing just that. I’ve been doing my part but where is he? How can I make him understand my side when I can’t even reach him?