Crash and Burn

That’s what happened. We crashed but I was the only one who got burned.

You said we’d give it a try, you asked if I was willing to take the risk. I took it and look where it got me. I guess you warned me beforehand but I was just too stupid to notice it. I always see the good in people, that’s why I always painted you in a brighter picture.

But I was wrong. Very. Wrong. I feel so betrayed, so angry, and a million more emotions at once. I’ve never imagined you’d do this to me. I was just too naive, too gullible to believe that you’ll treat me differently.

You did to me what you did to her. I guess this is my karma. Another overlap. We were never official but you said you could do with exclusivity. I believed you and I was happy with it.

A few weeks into starting where we left off, I noticed changes. They were subtle until they became too obvious. It seemed like I was the only one making an effort. It felt like I was chasing you and I didn’t like that feeling. Our communication would get cut off for days at a time and you’d come back as if nothing happened.

I wanted to talk to clear things up but you were always busy. Until that day came, you texted me and told me you wanted to enjoy your freedom as a single person. I understood you since you just got out of another relationship. I let you go even though I didn’t want to. But who am I to hold you back, right?

Days later and I hear that you were already with someone else. Officially. Labelled. It hurt. It crushed me. And you know, where it got worse? I was told that you two became official on the day that you told me you wanted to enjoy being single. Enjoy being single, my ass. You lied. You could’ve just told me the truth. “Hi, I found someone else. I got bored of you. See ya!”

You weren’t worth it. I thought you were. I wanted you to be. I already invested too much. I want to be angry. I want to slap you. I want to curse you with every curse word I know. But all of that will just be a waste of energy. I’ll just sum everything up in a short sentence:

FUCK YOU, K.

 

PS. I think she doesn’t know about me. I just wish you’d treat her better.

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Lost

“I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war, people let you down all the time. Sometimes, it’s very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to.” -Angelina Jolie-Pitt

Everyday, for almost every minute of my life, I am fighting a battle. A battle that no other person will ever notice. For it is within myself.

I think too much. I worry a lot. I am a masochist. I am a hypocrite. I tell the people around me to cheer up and that everything will be better. But I don’t even believe that for myself. I push myself further down a hole of despair and sadness. I think of the negative possibilities of a certain event.

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel like I am failing everything, from school to my family to my friends, even my health. I don’t want to disappoint anybody and myself but I just keep on doing that again and again.

I am satisfied with being an average. But then, I would feel bad because I am surrounded by people who aim and achieve higher. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a repeater. I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t know why I end up getting lower grades. I think I gave it my best but still, It is never enough. I know it won’t do me any good comparing myself to other people. But how can you avoid that if they are almost going through the same things as you are? How are they always doing better than you are? There is only one freaking thing that makes me different from all of them. An illness, a malady. And this one freaking thing can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

But I won’t let that define me. I know that I can be better. But where do I begin? How do I make myself better? I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends. Yes, they tried their best to help me in every way they can. And I love them for that. But I don’t think they understand me though. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what i need.

I am lost.

Doubts

Easy come, easy go.

In one way or another, life can be cruel that way. One second he was there and in another he was gone.

I don’t like it when things change. I am one of those girls who dream about true love and happily ever afters. Those Disney movies really made a great impact on my childhood. I even believed that being a princess was a job.

It all came to a stop when I was old enough to understand the works of the world. But it didn’t change my dream about finding true love. Yes, that will remain a dream until I find the one.

But every now and then, a person specifically a boy, may come along. He will sweep you off your feet. Shower you with compliments. And ultimately, will make you fall in love. But the question is for how long?

It all began that one sunny day, he was straight-forward and truthful. I wasn’t sure of anything yet. He said he’d wait. He didn’t wait long. And so we began this so-called relationship. Everything was such a blur, a lot of things happened. He wooed me along the first few months. But suddenly it became confusing. He was there but he was not.

That should have been the warning sign. But I brought it up and he said he’d try to change. I waited for that change. We became official and I continued hoping for that change. It never happened.

People around me have been telling me that I don’t deserve this. But his every excuse was acceptable. It was not like he didn’t want to see or text me. Something always comes up. They told me he needed to give more effort to make this relationship work. I hope realizes this soon because I don’t know when I’m gonna break. I don’t want to continue on thinking negatively about this but I’ve got to let it loose somehow. I need to talk to him. But I don’t know where to start.

But I love him. And we promised to be understand and patient with each other. I’ve doing my best by doing just that. I’ve been doing my part but where is he? How can I make him understand my side when I can’t even reach him?