Unrequited

Crush. A word that’s too high school for me. But nonetheless a word that could refer to you.

For the past two years, I’ve been bouncing from one crush to another. Or even having a lot at the same time. This was nothing serious. It was an inside joke with my friends. But every now and then, they would try to make me talk to them. Which of course, I didn’t do because I’m too shy and not confident at all.

It started as a joke because you fit my type. The tall, lanky, eyeglasses-wearing guy. You reminded me so much of someone I knew long ago. That’s when I first really noticed you. I think I even told you back in first year about this. The year when we had the laboratory section. We weren’t close or anything but at least you talked to me. After that we’ve never been in the same class, I went through the ups-and-downs of my second year and so did you.

The second semester of our third year began. It was exciting and nerve-wrecking for me. And busy and hectic one for you. I joined our organization’s pageant which was really way out of my character and personality. It was a decision I didn’t regret, an experience I would forever treasure. And you were one of the officers of the organization, you helped in organizing all the events that occurred even after the pageant. During that night, there was a teeny tiny part of me that hoped you would notice me. But I guess, you didn’t. Still, amidst the pressures and stress of that night, I felt beautiful.

Flash forward, intramurals week. You were still busy as a bee. But you handled your responsibilities well. This was the first time that I admitted to someone that I admire you. I was pressured of course. The information was kinda forced out of me. But they were my friends so I trusted them.

This was the beginning of the endless torment- no, not really- just teasing. I was fine with it at first. Because it was just within our circle of friends. But it went out and teasing became more regular and obvious. I’ve been begging them to stop but they seem to enjoy my embarrassment.

Recently, one person suddenly asked me why I admire you. I was so taken aback because (1) the person and I weren’t that close, and (2) I didn’t think she’d believe all the teasing since I denied it all. I wasn’t able to answer her properly because of the shock and the fact that I haven’t really thought about it.

So here it is now. You are very smart, one of the major turn-ons for me. You aced and were top of almost all the exams we took. You are kind and approachable and responsible. You have a sense of humor. And you can dance. All these things made me like you.

Since the teasing began, it seemed like you were avoiding me if there were a lot of people around. But if we met along the corridor alone, you would smile or, if I’m lucky, would say hi. And that’s enough for me. I know that it’s impossible for you to read this post. I just wanted to let it all out. So this is my confession.

I like you, Blue.

 

PS. I am surprised that as I am writing this I seem to have kept tabs on you. I promise I did that unknowingly.

Sudden

I dreamt about you last night. I woke up dazed and confused. The dream was so random. I wasn’t expecting it because I wasn’t thinking of you at all.

Back in high school, I was super socially awkward, I don’t even know how to act properly around boys. I don’t know why but I would feel really uneasy mingling with them.

But you were one of the boys that broke through my awkwardness and uneasiness. I never really thought that I’d be really close to some guys. Close enough that you’d treat my house as yours. You were and are always welcome here. And my mother really likes you.

In college, we went our separate ways but we kept in touch. You text or message me in Facebook every now and then. Asking if you guys could come over. My mother wasn’t that strict when it comes to boys. She never had a problem with you guys taking over our fridge.

Sometimes, you’d ask me about school. You’d tell me how much you wanted our culture, our freedom. And about feeling like you were constricted intellectually in yours.

Sometimes, you’d randomly talk about things both funny and interesting. And you also like to debate about relevant and irrelevant topics.

And sometimes, you’d tell me you miss me. Even though I know that you meant it jokingly, it would still make me feel special. Once, I think I even felt butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I’d jokingly tell it back, but I know deep inside that I really meant it.

I like how you’d easily make conversation without holding back anything.

I like your enthusiasm when you talk about things.

I like how honest you are with me.

I like how you easily tell me that you miss me.

I had a sudden realization that all my crushes in college were patterned after you. Tall and lanky.

I don’t know how this happened but I think I’m starting to like you.

But, I know that this can never happen. There will never be an us. You are off-limits for you are my friend. And I think that’s all I’ll ever be for you. A friend.

Lost

“I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war, people let you down all the time. Sometimes, it’s very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to.” -Angelina Jolie-Pitt

Everyday, for almost every minute of my life, I am fighting a battle. A battle that no other person will ever notice. For it is within myself.

I think too much. I worry a lot. I am a masochist. I am a hypocrite. I tell the people around me to cheer up and that everything will be better. But I don’t even believe that for myself. I push myself further down a hole of despair and sadness. I think of the negative possibilities of a certain event.

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel like I am failing everything, from school to my family to my friends, even my health. I don’t want to disappoint anybody and myself but I just keep on doing that again and again.

I am satisfied with being an average. But then, I would feel bad because I am surrounded by people who aim and achieve higher. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a repeater. I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t know why I end up getting lower grades. I think I gave it my best but still, It is never enough. I know it won’t do me any good comparing myself to other people. But how can you avoid that if they are almost going through the same things as you are? How are they always doing better than you are? There is only one freaking thing that makes me different from all of them. An illness, a malady. And this one freaking thing can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

But I won’t let that define me. I know that I can be better. But where do I begin? How do I make myself better? I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends. Yes, they tried their best to help me in every way they can. And I love them for that. But I don’t think they understand me though. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what i need.

I am lost.

Doubts

Easy come, easy go.

In one way or another, life can be cruel that way. One second he was there and in another he was gone.

I don’t like it when things change. I am one of those girls who dream about true love and happily ever afters. Those Disney movies really made a great impact on my childhood. I even believed that being a princess was a job.

It all came to a stop when I was old enough to understand the works of the world. But it didn’t change my dream about finding true love. Yes, that will remain a dream until I find the one.

But every now and then, a person specifically a boy, may come along. He will sweep you off your feet. Shower you with compliments. And ultimately, will make you fall in love. But the question is for how long?

It all began that one sunny day, he was straight-forward and truthful. I wasn’t sure of anything yet. He said he’d wait. He didn’t wait long. And so we began this so-called relationship. Everything was such a blur, a lot of things happened. He wooed me along the first few months. But suddenly it became confusing. He was there but he was not.

That should have been the warning sign. But I brought it up and he said he’d try to change. I waited for that change. We became official and I continued hoping for that change. It never happened.

People around me have been telling me that I don’t deserve this. But his every excuse was acceptable. It was not like he didn’t want to see or text me. Something always comes up. They told me he needed to give more effort to make this relationship work. I hope realizes this soon because I don’t know when I’m gonna break. I don’t want to continue on thinking negatively about this but I’ve got to let it loose somehow. I need to talk to him. But I don’t know where to start.

But I love him. And we promised to be understand and patient with each other. I’ve doing my best by doing just that. I’ve been doing my part but where is he? How can I make him understand my side when I can’t even reach him?

Woes

The fear of not knowing what might happen next. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of hurting someone you love. All of these jumbled into one creates one hollow pit in my stomach.

Everything was going good. Great. Fine. Well. Until changes began and my insecurities kicked in.

I know change is inevitable. But what shocked me the most is the effect it has on people. If we try to go against it, we get hurt. If we try to go along with it, in one way or another, we still get hurt. So what do we do? Nothing. We let these changes define us. Mold us into new beings.

But I don’t want to change. I don’t want him to change. I don’t want us to change.

Anyway, I think it’s too late for that.

It started slowly. Too subtle for me to notice. But the signs were already there, I was just too much of a coward to acknowledge it.

We haven’t seen each other in months. We’ve sent each other messages that lasted only for a few minutes or hours. We haven’t really been talking. I know we’ve tried. A lot. But something comes up at the last minute, and plans get cancelled. Always. And all I get is the reason and your apology. The same reasons you’ve been telling me the last few weeks.

I’m tired of listening to those. But I always tell you it’s okay. I don’t want to start a problem or a fight. But even with that feeling of not wanting a fight, I don’t think it’s working. Something’s not right. Something’s missing.

Or maybe this is just me missing you. I don’t know.

You tell me things that makes me feel special. You make me feel like I’m special. But it’s only until those words. Where are the actions? Where are your actions?

Am I wrong to want your attention? You’ve been giving it to me willingly a few months ago. Maybe I got too caught up with it. It made me think I would always get that from you. I guess I was wrong. Things change and so do people.

How can we go on when I don’t even know what I feel anymore? What are we? We’ve tried fixing this. We talked about this. You said you’d try. I tried to understand. But I’m still confused.

And the worst part of all is we’re in this relationship we can’t even call a relationship. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know who I am in your life.