It was me

I was always the beginning of the end. Maybe it was something I said, something I did. Maybe I wasn’t showy enough or maybe I was too clingy. I’m sorry for being a mess.

It all began with something good and sweet. It became something to be cherished and cared for. But along the way, things change and people changed.

To my 3-year elementary crush, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to keep up with you. You made all the efforts. It was all new to me and I didn’t know how to react. I guess you got tired and just disappeared. Thank you though. All those lengthy periods on the telephone, just listening to each other laugh at random stuff, were really memorable.

To my high school crush, I felt like I pressured you into liking me back. Maybe that’s why you ended it before anything even began. I liked your honesty. Though it really hurt me back then. I enjoyed all our conversations and all the times that we went home together. I’m just happy that we remain friends ’til now. It feels nice that every now and then someone still asks me how I’m doing. Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m happy that you’re happy right now.

To my first boyfriend, I’m sorry I gave up too soon. I was immature, I think we both were. Too young and the college environment was new to us. I guess I just drifted away as I got to enjoy the new things college offered me. Thank you for all the memories. I’m sorry for hurting you. Recently we got to interact and I hope that one day we’ll get to do that without being awkward anymore.

To the guy who tried to pick up the pieces, I’m sorry I broke you along with me. I think I wasn’t ready. I dived in too soon, thinking that if I had someone, I’d be better. But I just became an even uglier mess. I’m sorry for not speaking to you directly about my issues. I ran to my friends and told them instead. I’m really, really sorry. I’m just so lucky that you remained a friend even after everything I’ve done. Thank you so much.

To the guy who further broke me into tiny little pieces, I’m sorry for not being enough. I’m sorry for holding on to your words, for believing that it was all gonna be okay with you. I thought it was really gonna work, I was wrong. It wasn’t a good start and it didn’t end well either. I took a risk that got me burned so bad. Thank you for everything though. Even if it was just for a while, you still made me happy and I hope I did make you happy too.

To my future someone, I’m sorry you’ll have to deal with a broken person. I hope I won’t scare you away. I hope you’ll stay unlike the others. I hope you’ll know how to deal with me and my mood swings and all the drama I bring. I want you to know that you don’t have to fix me because I’ll do that myself. I just hope you’ll be patient enough to help me along the way.

I was born a worrier and an overthinker. I get that people leave, they get tired of all the drama. They get tired of trying to lecture me because I never listen. So to the people who stayed, thank you very much for dealing with my crap and I love you!

 

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Doubts

Easy come, easy go.

In one way or another, life can be cruel that way. One second he was there and in another he was gone.

I don’t like it when things change. I am one of those girls who dream about true love and happily ever afters. Those Disney movies really made a great impact on my childhood. I even believed that being a princess was a job.

It all came to a stop when I was old enough to understand the works of the world. But it didn’t change my dream about finding true love. Yes, that will remain a dream until I find the one.

But every now and then, a person specifically a boy, may come along. He will sweep you off your feet. Shower you with compliments. And ultimately, will make you fall in love. But the question is for how long?

It all began that one sunny day, he was straight-forward and truthful. I wasn’t sure of anything yet. He said he’d wait. He didn’t wait long. And so we began this so-called relationship. Everything was such a blur, a lot of things happened. He wooed me along the first few months. But suddenly it became confusing. He was there but he was not.

That should have been the warning sign. But I brought it up and he said he’d try to change. I waited for that change. We became official and I continued hoping for that change. It never happened.

People around me have been telling me that I don’t deserve this. But his every excuse was acceptable. It was not like he didn’t want to see or text me. Something always comes up. They told me he needed to give more effort to make this relationship work. I hope realizes this soon because I don’t know when I’m gonna break. I don’t want to continue on thinking negatively about this but I’ve got to let it loose somehow. I need to talk to him. But I don’t know where to start.

But I love him. And we promised to be understand and patient with each other. I’ve doing my best by doing just that. I’ve been doing my part but where is he? How can I make him understand my side when I can’t even reach him?