C A G E D

My parents brought me up in a strict environment. I didn’t mind this. I grew up to be an obedient daughter. I did everything to please them. I studied hard, got good grades, went to good schools.

But right now, I feel caged. I hoped they would loosen up once I become legal. My mom did but the opposite happened with my father. He wouldn’t even allow me to have fun. He expects me to survive college without friends, like he did. I tried so hard to explain that I don’t usually go out and when I do I ask permission.

I’m 20, for crying out loud! Please let me commit mistakes so I can learn. Let me live my life so I won’t regret or miss anything. I know that I owe everything from you, but I also need to breathe. I need to be independent.

I just hate the feeling of you expecting too much from me. It would only add up to all the struggles I’m trying to balance. I know I disappointed you with those grades. But I pulled it off the second time around and I don’t have anymore backlogs.

Why do you have to make me feel like I’m not doing my best in school? It hurts. It hurts like hell because you don’t even know what I went through. I can’t blame you for not being here all the time. I know you do that for us to live a comfortable life and because you love us.

Never have I talked back to you. I concede and keep quiet once you start ranting and scolding me even though your points don’t really make sense. Please stop comparing then and now. Times have changed. It won’t adjust to you and your beliefs.

I just can’t imagine college without my friends. They help me a lot because we go through the same stuff. They understand all the struggles I’m facing because we have the same ones. I’m sorry if I can’t be like you. I’m sorry if want to have fun and chill every once in a while. I probably would go crazy if all I think about is school. I want rest too, even for just a night.

I envy the freedom that my peers have. I envy the fun my friends have without me. I feel sad whenever I have to leave in the middle of the party because it’s time to go home. I often think of rebelling just to see your reaction. I just wish I had the guts to go against your wishes and live my life the way I want to. But I just can’t, because I’m a coward. And that’s the reason why all these thoughts and feelings will only remain in my blog. I just really wish I could tell you this:

Please give me space to breathe. Please set me free.

 

Advertisements

Numbers

One. One game that started it all.

Two. Two pictures that made you notice me.

Three. Three persons involved.

Four. Four times we went out alone.

Five.¬†Five instances of me convincing myself that it was fine as long as I’m happy.

Six. Six friends it took to bluntly tell me the truth of the situation.

Seven. Seven messages from her.

Eight. Eight weeks worth of memories and experiences.

Nine. Nine times I convinced myself to do what’s best for all of us

Ten. Ten in the evening when I told you I’m staying away.

To my It’s Complicated

I write to you the things I wish I could tell you personally but I can’t.

The last 2 months have been great, full of memories and experiences I would treasure forever so thank you. Thank you for the times you made me feel special, for the times you made me feel that you cared. Thank you for bringing out feelings that I’ve never felt before. Thank you for never getting bored of my endless chikas through texts. I was never a good conversationalist so what I lack in talking I make up through texting. Thank you for staying up with me when I had a hard time sleeping (I really have a weird body clock). And thank you for liking me for who I am.

From the beginning, I knew it was never going to work out. It started with the little things: the way you say my name differently, the slight touches here and there. I didn’t mind these little things. But it became more frequent, you were trying to get to know me more. It was as if you were interested in me. But then again, I didn’t mind that. Why would anyone really get interested in me? I was simple and boring, not even attractive.

Things progressed though, we were texting almost everyday. You got to know me more and I think I’ve shared almost everything about me. But that’s it though, we weren’t interacting much, barely had time to really talk to each other due to our situation. I was your secret as you were mine.

It seems like I was narrating everything that happened so I’m just gonna take a shortcut. I got too invested in you. I let myself believe that there was a chance for an “us”. I clung on to the thought that someday I will be your priority not only an option. But it took one post to slap me in the face, making me realize that enough was enough. I was already hurting and if I held on far longer I might be further burned by the situation.

So I’m sorry if I had to end this. I’m sorry if this will make things harder for you. Please understand that I’m having a hard time too. But know that I don’t regret the decisions I made and that I don’t hate you. I have to stay away for my sake and yours, to save myself for further pain and for you to finally make up your mind. If you ever do, I’ll respect whatever it is.

I like you, Beb. And I care for you, I don’t think that will change soon.

Complicated

I was fine just crushing on someone else.

But in you go and I was hooked. From the beginning, it was confusing. Slowly, you inched your way into my life, making yourself an almost-permanent fixture. You made me feel emotions I haven’t felt in a while.

It started with a game.

That line sounded so cliche but it’s the truth, you got interested in a certain game that was installed in my phone. You were so caught up in the game that you’d always borrow my phone for it. But you needed an opponent (me, of course!), and that’s where all of this began.

It was gradual. The game became available in Messenger so you began messaging me. Challenging me to play with you. But along the way, conversation can’t be avoided which became late-night ones. The topics were so random and out of the blue. I didn’t read much into it though.

But our mini summer came, and you continued the late-night conversations with me. Everyday. Slowly, gradually as I talked about myself, I think I fell. Not in love, of course. But I think I was caught in a trap through your sweet talks and compliments. With all the attention that you gave me, it felt new and nice.

You already know all my secrets but I know none of yours.

And that’s scaring me. Maybe I was too honest, too vulnerable, to tell you everything about me. I’m scared that I might fall but you wouldn’t be there to catch me. I’m scared that I’ll hurt somebody or be hurt.

Because all you wanted was a fling. I just recently figured out it’s meaning, no feelings. Fleeting, just for fun. And what’s worse is that no one can ever know about us. I was your dirty little secret as you were mine.

And that’s all I’ll ever be, because you’re already someone else’s.

Unrequited

Crush. A word that’s too high school for me. But nonetheless a word that could refer to you.

For the past two years, I’ve been bouncing from one crush to another. Or even having a lot at the same time. This was nothing serious. It was an inside joke with my friends. But every now and then, they would try to make me talk to them. Which of course, I didn’t do because I’m too shy and not confident at all.

It started as a joke because you fit my type. The tall, lanky, eyeglasses-wearing guy. You reminded me so much of someone I knew long ago. That’s when I first really noticed you. I think I even told you back in first year about this. The year when we had the laboratory section. We weren’t close or anything but at least you talked to me. After that we’ve never been in the same class, I went through the ups-and-downs of my second year and so did you.

The second semester of our third year began. It was exciting and nerve-wrecking for me. And busy and hectic one for you. I joined our organization’s pageant which was really way out of my character and personality. It was a decision I didn’t regret, an experience I would forever treasure. And you were one of the officers of the organization, you helped in organizing all the events that occurred even after the pageant. During that night, there was a teeny tiny part of me that hoped you would notice me. But I guess, you didn’t. Still, amidst the pressures and stress of that night, I felt beautiful.

Flash forward, intramurals week. You were still busy as a bee. But you handled your responsibilities well. This was the first time that I admitted to someone that I admire you. I was pressured of course. The information was kinda forced out of me. But they were my friends so I trusted them.

This was the beginning of the endless torment- no, not really- just teasing. I was fine with it at first. Because it was just within our circle of friends. But it went out and teasing became more regular and obvious. I’ve been begging them to stop but they seem to enjoy my embarrassment.

Recently, one person suddenly asked me why I admire you. I was so taken aback because (1) the person and I weren’t that close, and (2) I didn’t think she’d believe all the teasing since I denied it all. I wasn’t able to answer her properly because of the shock and the fact that I haven’t really thought about it.

So here it is now. You are very smart, one of the major turn-ons for me. You aced and were top of almost all the exams we took. You are kind and approachable and responsible. You have a sense of humor. And you can dance. All these things made me like you.

Since the teasing began, it seemed like you were avoiding me if there were a lot of people around. But if we met along the corridor alone, you would smile or, if I’m lucky, would say hi. And that’s enough for me. I know that it’s impossible for you to read this post. I just wanted to let it all out. So this is my confession.

I like you, Blue.

 

PS. I am surprised that as I am writing this I seem to have kept tabs on you. I promise I did that unknowingly.

Sudden

I dreamt about you last night. I woke up dazed and confused. The dream was so random. I wasn’t expecting it because I wasn’t thinking of you at all.

Back in high school, I was super socially awkward, I don’t even know how to act properly around boys. I don’t know why but I would feel really uneasy mingling with them.

But you were one of the boys that broke through my awkwardness and uneasiness. I never really thought that I’d be really close to some guys. Close enough that you’d treat my house as yours. You were and are always welcome here. And my mother really likes you.

In college, we went our separate ways but we kept in touch. You text or message me in Facebook every now and then. Asking if you guys could come over. My mother wasn’t that strict when it comes to boys. She never had a problem with you guys taking over our fridge.

Sometimes, you’d ask me about school. You’d tell me how much you wanted our culture, our freedom. And about feeling like you were constricted intellectually in yours.

Sometimes, you’d randomly talk about things both funny and interesting. And you also like to debate about relevant and irrelevant topics.

And sometimes, you’d tell me you miss me. Even though I know that you meant it jokingly, it would still make me feel special. Once, I think I even felt butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I’d jokingly tell it back, but I know deep inside that I really meant it.

I like how you’d easily make conversation without holding back anything.

I like your enthusiasm when you talk about things.

I like how honest you are with me.

I like how you easily tell me that you miss me.

I had a sudden realization that all my crushes in college were patterned after you. Tall and lanky.

I don’t know how this happened but I think I’m starting to like you.

But, I know that this can never happen. There will never be an us. You are off-limits for you are my friend. And I think that’s all I’ll ever be for you. A friend.

Lost

“I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war, people let you down all the time. Sometimes, it’s very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to.” -Angelina Jolie-Pitt

Everyday, for almost every minute of my life, I am fighting a battle. A battle that no other person will ever notice. For it is within myself.

I think too much. I worry a lot. I am a masochist. I am a hypocrite. I tell the people around me to cheer up and that everything will be better. But I don’t even believe that for myself. I push myself further down a hole of despair and sadness. I think of the negative possibilities of a certain event.

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel like I am failing everything, from school to my family to my friends, even my health. I don’t want to disappoint anybody and myself but I just keep on doing that again and again.

I am satisfied with being an average. But then, I would feel bad because I am surrounded by people who aim and achieve higher. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a repeater. I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t know why I end up getting lower grades. I think I gave it my best but still, It is never enough. I know it won’t do me any good comparing myself to other people. But how can you avoid that if they are almost going through the same things as you are? How are they always doing better than you are? There is only one freaking thing that makes me different from all of them. An illness, a malady. And this one freaking thing can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

But I won’t let that define me. I know that I can be better. But where do I begin? How do I make myself better? I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends. Yes, they tried their best to help me in every way they can. And I love them for that. But I don’t think they understand me though. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what i need.

I am lost.

Melancholy

Nothing seems to go right these days.

Sadness, depression, loneliness.

I saw myself as an optimistic person. I cheered up people who were having a bad day. I saw the happier and better part of life. I smiled and laughed a lot.

Just until recently. Everything went south.

I messed things up. Bad grades, failing to even follow the simplest instructions. I have disappointed myself and the people around me.

Before I thought seeing the light side of life would make things easier, bearable. But, it is the opposite, I forced myself into living the happier version of life, ignoring the sad ones even though it needed my attention.

I was afraid to open up these bottled up emotions inside me and now I am at my breaking point. All these negative thoughts are consuming me.

I feel like I am near drowning in the middle of an ocean full of pessimistic thoughts trying to reach the shore just to save myself. I want to avoid these thoughts because it only pushes me further into the brink of darkness.

I don’t want to feel anymore, it’s just too much. I only end up getting hurt. I hate this feeling, the heaviness of everything around me.

I’ve been thinking of just giving up, letting go, being free. But I don’t know how.

I am sad, lonely and depressed. It may not be obvious but I am. Please don’t believe the facade I’ve been keeping up. My smiles are not as real as before anymore. I may not let you see it, but I know that somewhere, deep down, I am broken.

I need someone or something. Please help me find it.

Help me find myself.

Doubts

Easy come, easy go.

In one way or another, life can be cruel that way. One second he was there and in another he was gone.

I don’t like it when things change. I am one of those girls who dream about true love and happily ever afters. Those Disney movies really made a great impact on my childhood. I even believed that being a princess was a job.

It all came to a stop when I was old enough to understand the works of the world. But it didn’t change my dream about finding true love. Yes, that will remain a dream until I find the one.

But every now and then, a person specifically a boy, may come along. He will sweep you off your feet. Shower you with compliments. And ultimately, will make you fall in love. But the question is for how long?

It all began that one sunny day, he was straight-forward and truthful. I wasn’t sure of anything yet. He said he’d wait. He didn’t wait long. And so we began this so-called relationship. Everything was such a blur, a lot of things happened. He wooed me along the first few months. But suddenly it became confusing. He was there but he was not.

That should have been the warning sign. But I brought it up and he said he’d try to change. I waited for that change. We became official and I continued hoping for that change. It never happened.

People around me have been telling me that I don’t deserve this. But his every excuse was acceptable. It was not like he didn’t want to see or text me. Something always comes up. They told me he needed to give more effort to make this relationship work. I hope realizes this soon because I don’t know when I’m gonna break. I don’t want to continue on thinking negatively about this but I’ve got to let it loose somehow. I need to talk to him. But I don’t know where to start.

But I love him. And we promised to be understand and patient with each other. I’ve doing my best by doing just that. I’ve been doing my part but where is he? How can I make him understand my side when I can’t even reach him?

Infatuation

He said he would change.

She gave him a chance.

But did she make the right decision?

He told her not to expect immediate change. She understood, as long he knew what she really wanted. She waited for it to happen. But time flew, and he was still the same.

Was she just insecure? Or over thinking things?

She hoped he would be there more often. Why was she feeling that way? Why was she feeling scared?

He was there. He was obedient. He was a good boy. He followed whatever his parents told him to do. They were strict. He was caged.

She was free as a bird. She flew wherever her wings would lead her to. But she stuck to the rules. She never crossed the line. She knew her limitations.

She didn’t know what she wanted, but she didn’t want to let go. She loves him. He loves her. But why does she feel like something is missing?