Lost

“I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war, people let you down all the time. Sometimes, it’s very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to.” -Angelina Jolie-Pitt

Everyday, for almost every minute of my life, I am fighting a battle. A battle that no other person will ever notice. For it is within myself.

I think too much. I worry a lot. I am a masochist. I am a hypocrite. I tell the people around me to cheer up and that everything will be better. But I don’t even believe that for myself. I push myself further down a hole of despair and sadness. I think of the negative possibilities of a certain event.

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel like I am failing everything, from school to my family to my friends, even my health. I don’t want to disappoint anybody and myself but I just keep on doing that again and again.

I am satisfied with being an average. But then, I would feel bad because I am surrounded by people who aim and achieve higher. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a repeater. I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t know why I end up getting lower grades. I think I gave it my best but still, It is never enough. I know it won’t do me any good comparing myself to other people. But how can you avoid that if they are almost going through the same things as you are? How are they always doing better than you are? There is only one freaking thing that makes me different from all of them. An illness, a malady. And this one freaking thing can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

But I won’t let that define me. I know that I can be better. But where do I begin? How do I make myself better? I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends. Yes, they tried their best to help me in every way they can. And I love them for that. But I don’t think they understand me though. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what i need.

I am lost.