Melancholy

Nothing seems to go right these days.

Sadness, depression, loneliness.

I saw myself as an optimistic person. I cheered up people who were having a bad day. I saw the happier and better part of life. I smiled and laughed a lot.

Just until recently. Everything went south.

I messed things up. Bad grades, failing to even follow the simplest instructions. I have disappointed myself and the people around me.

Before I thought seeing the light side of life would make things easier, bearable. But, it is the opposite, I forced myself into living the happier version of life, ignoring the sad ones even though it needed my attention.

I was afraid to open up these bottled up emotions inside me and now I am at my breaking point. All these negative thoughts are consuming me.

I feel like I am near drowning in the middle of an ocean full of pessimistic thoughts trying to reach the shore just to save myself. I want to avoid these thoughts because it only pushes me further into the brink of darkness.

I don’t want to feel anymore, it’s just too much. I only end up getting hurt. I hate this feeling, the heaviness of everything around me.

I’ve been thinking of just giving up, letting go, being free. But I don’t know how.

I am sad, lonely and depressed. It may not be obvious but I am. Please don’t believe the facade I’ve been keeping up. My smiles are not as real as before anymore. I may not let you see it, but I know that somewhere, deep down, I am broken.

I need someone or something. Please help me find it.

Help me find myself.