The fear of not knowing what might happen next. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of hurting someone you love. All of these jumbled into one creates one hollow pit in my stomach.
Everything was going good. Great. Fine. Well. Until changes began and my insecurities kicked in.
I know change is inevitable. But what shocked me the most is the effect it has on people. If we try to go against it, we get hurt. If we try to go along with it, in one way or another, we still get hurt. So what do we do? Nothing. We let these changes define us. Mold us into new beings.
But I don’t want to change. I don’t want him to change. I don’t want us to change.
Anyway, I think it’s too late for that.
It started slowly. Too subtle for me to notice. But the signs were already there, I was just too much of a coward to acknowledge it.
We haven’t seen each other in months. We’ve sent each other messages that lasted only for a few minutes or hours. We haven’t really been talking. I know we’ve tried. A lot. But something comes up at the last minute, and plans get cancelled. Always. And all I get is the reason and your apology. The same reasons you’ve been telling me the last few weeks.
I’m tired of listening to those. But I always tell you it’s okay. I don’t want to start a problem or a fight. But even with that feeling of not wanting a fight, I don’t think it’s working. Something’s not right. Something’s missing.
Or maybe this is just me missing you. I don’t know.
You tell me things that makes me feel special. You make me feel like I’m special. But it’s only until those words. Where are the actions? Where are your actions?
Am I wrong to want your attention? You’ve been giving it to me willingly a few months ago. Maybe I got too caught up with it. It made me think I would always get that from you. I guess I was wrong. Things change and so do people.
How can we go on when I don’t even know what I feel anymore? What are we? We’ve tried fixing this. We talked about this. You said you’d try. I tried to understand. But I’m still confused.
And the worst part of all is we’re in this relationship we can’t even call a relationship. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know who I am in your life.